me and my boys

"Those are iPads, Milo."

(5 minutes later)

"These giant iPhones are really cool."

"It's an iPad, look at the sign, it says iPad."

(3 days later)

"You know what was really cool? When we were at the Apple store and they had those giant iPhones."

At around 8:45pm on Thursday Mason asked if I had gotten him a cake for his birthday the next day. Since my answer was no (possibly followed by a swear word in my head) we made our way to Wal-Mart where he picked out a pre-made golf cake. Nothing to do with his party theme, but that's what he wanted. Memory from his dad, randomness from his mom.

Mason was baptized on his birthday with two of his cousins. I decided it was a good day to buy him his first "real" tie. He picked out a pink, gray and black tie. Pimpin' style already.

One morning he told me he's trying to be really nice to Milo since he's baptized now. The next day he somehow convinced Milo to help him clean his room. Now that's a salesman.

His big birthday wish was for a skateboard rail. Watch out Shawn White.

He's got the goofiest half-grown-in front teeth smile.

Everything I tell him to do has to be followed by a "Why?" - although deep down I am proud of his logical side, at surface level I'm not too excited for the teenage years.

He asked multiple times for an airsoft gun for his birthday, begged for a sling shot at the arts festival, and came home with a pocket knife from scout camp. Don't worry, I'm fully prepared for future trips to the ER.

His favorite songs right now are Strawberry Fields (Beatles) and Someone Great (LCD Soundsystem); and last year he picked out a song that's "our song."

So there you go - Mase face, Daxman, Mase-o...Happy Eighth Birthday - and thanks for reminding me I'm getting old.

This night, two years ago, I literally watched someone go from life to death. I’ve thought about this many times. Up until that night I had known people who died, but I had never actually seen it happen. Up until that night I had never known what it’d be like to want to be right next to someone and never leave, even though I knew in my mind they already had.

But here’s the thing about two years: today is really not much different than any other day since that night. Every day at some point I still remember; and every day, in varying degrees, I wish my life were more normal.

Sometimes I drive places without my seatbelt on. I never used to do that, even short distances. I grew up with such a strong habit of putting my seatbelt on I’d find myself doing it to cross a parking lot. Erik didn’t always wear his seatbelt. One time he told me that if he got hit driving through our neighborhood it’d be such slow impact seatbelts wouldn’t really matter. I don’t wear my seatbelt just to remember Erik.

I sleep with all my decorative pillows lined up on the other half of the bed. It seems logical considering my bed is probably cleaner than my floor on any given day, but I started doing it because it made that side of the bed seem less empty.

In my closet hangs one motorcycle jacket, three suits and two button up shirts because the last time I tried to box everything up I ended up taking that stuff back out; and now I’m worried to try again.

But you know what? I’m still here. I have had my determination and faith tested many times – and so far I’ve passed. And I am thankful every day for how much I’m blessed, even though I probably don’t deserve it all.

And I love these boys:

A few days ago Mason told me he really likes the song "Strawberry Fields." This may sound inconsequential, but it made me beam with delight. This isn't the first time Mason has shared my taste in music; most of his iPod comes from songs I have on mine. But this time he picked a Beatles song. In my head I was thinking, "Yes! My kid is awesome. He is going to grow up having great taste in music, which obviously will lead to good choices elsewhere (one of which will be a super awesome, no-drama, wife)."

Today was Mason's first experience with scouts. As I drove home from school, with barely enough time to make it to his first pack meeting, I thought about how I won't even be home to take him to scouts for most days of the month because of my schedule. Then I thought about how maybe it wasn't a big deal for him to miss some anyway, it's just scouts - it's not like everyone does it.

Then I reverted to that one big thought I've always had, even before having children: How will my kids turn out the way I want them to? Not as in I want them to have certain jobs or anything - but I want them to want to work hard, to be kind to others. I don't want them to be drug addicts or alcoholics or something along those lines. Maybe with Mason coming up on the big EIGHT in a few weeks, I've just been re-thinking things.

So I decided that I have no clear solution. And I sort of feel like this:

But I also decided that just like I'm proud my appreciation for good music can rub off, I need to make sure I'm doing other good things that my boys can pick up on and mimic. And just like I want to be proactive in my work ethic, I need to apply the same thing at home.

So yes, I'll be making sure Mason is attending scouts (while I find him some more good music).