Showing posts with label i have feelings too. Show all posts

i changed my mind


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Yep, all this no blogging, and look where catching up got me...



One of the reasons I never post is because this blog is linked to an old gmail account, and posting here makes me have to log out of the one I use for everything else. Not a huge deal, I know, but annoying. And it makes me angry every time because blogger doesn't give you the ability to change your email login once you make it a gmail one. Well, Blogger, that's what you get for being hard to work with.

Light the Night


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Tomorrow I'm participating in Light the Night. I can honestly say I've never walked or ran in a register, organized thing like this. Seems weird I think. I've helped out in a few, but I've never been a registered participant. So I registered. Or better said, Missie registered everyone as a team. Then she told me that anyone who raises $100 will get a t-shirt and a balloon for the walk.


Then I had an even better thought.

Although I agree that raising money for The Leukemia and Lymphoma Society is a great cause, I connect much stronger with more personal things.

So instead of the $100 I was going to put toward the walk, I figured Clint and Amy could use it more right now. Although I've never actually met them, they are very good friends with neighbors of mine. But it's more of who they are that has drawn me to them. Clint and Amy have three boys, live in Utah County, and are currently dealing with Clint's Leukemia. More than that, Clint owned his own business before being diagnosed, they talk about their coordinator LaDee, TPN and what it's like to be bored in a hospital room all day. Amy has even given their blog the title "me and my boys" - exactly like mine!

Anyway, and more importantly, I just kind-of know what it's like to be in that position and it makes me want to help. So while I had this great plan to raise money for the society, I'd really like to just help the Jeppersons.

And if you want to see their blog, just click here. Or to help their family, click here.

guess who's back, on the crazy track.


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Last week I was in my front yard and I thought to water the plants on my porch. Halfway through watering them I realized they were all completely dead with no chance of revival. Such is my life lately. I went to work on Monday and my boss asked how my life is going. My answer: I'm in a creative slump, I feel stressed about school and getting an internship next summer, and I have a bruise on my rib cage. All in all, I think I feel so overwhelmed about everything I have to do that I can't even think to do it. I sort of feel like at any moment a strong wind is going to blow the house of cards I'm balancing - and everything will come crashing down.


So I bought new plants for my porch (with a commitment to water them before they start to turn brown), I scheduled a meeting with my partner for our school project, and I began the first step to watching adobe tutorials.

Deep breath.

Comments Off

2


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This night, two years ago, I literally watched someone go from life to death. I’ve thought about this many times. Up until that night I had known people who died, but I had never actually seen it happen. Up until that night I had never known what it’d be like to want to be right next to someone and never leave, even though I knew in my mind they already had.

But here’s the thing about two years: today is really not much different than any other day since that night. Every day at some point I still remember; and every day, in varying degrees, I wish my life were more normal.

Sometimes I drive places without my seatbelt on. I never used to do that, even short distances. I grew up with such a strong habit of putting my seatbelt on I’d find myself doing it to cross a parking lot. Erik didn’t always wear his seatbelt. One time he told me that if he got hit driving through our neighborhood it’d be such slow impact seatbelts wouldn’t really matter. I don’t wear my seatbelt just to remember Erik.

I sleep with all my decorative pillows lined up on the other half of the bed. It seems logical considering my bed is probably cleaner than my floor on any given day, but I started doing it because it made that side of the bed seem less empty.

In my closet hangs one motorcycle jacket, three suits and two button up shirts because the last time I tried to box everything up I ended up taking that stuff back out; and now I’m worried to try again.

But you know what? I’m still here. I have had my determination and faith tested many times – and so far I’ve passed. And I am thankful every day for how much I’m blessed, even though I probably don’t deserve it all.

And I love these boys:

being a mom


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A few days ago Mason told me he really likes the song "Strawberry Fields." This may sound inconsequential, but it made me beam with delight. This isn't the first time Mason has shared my taste in music; most of his iPod comes from songs I have on mine. But this time he picked a Beatles song. In my head I was thinking, "Yes! My kid is awesome. He is going to grow up having great taste in music, which obviously will lead to good choices elsewhere (one of which will be a super awesome, no-drama, wife)."

Today was Mason's first experience with scouts. As I drove home from school, with barely enough time to make it to his first pack meeting, I thought about how I won't even be home to take him to scouts for most days of the month because of my schedule. Then I thought about how maybe it wasn't a big deal for him to miss some anyway, it's just scouts - it's not like everyone does it.

Then I reverted to that one big thought I've always had, even before having children: How will my kids turn out the way I want them to? Not as in I want them to have certain jobs or anything - but I want them to want to work hard, to be kind to others. I don't want them to be drug addicts or alcoholics or something along those lines. Maybe with Mason coming up on the big EIGHT in a few weeks, I've just been re-thinking things.

So I decided that I have no clear solution. And I sort of feel like this:

But I also decided that just like I'm proud my appreciation for good music can rub off, I need to make sure I'm doing other good things that my boys can pick up on and mimic. And just like I want to be proactive in my work ethic, I need to apply the same thing at home.

So yes, I'll be making sure Mason is attending scouts (while I find him some more good music).

all I see is sunshine


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I have no earthly idea why, but I feel less stressed out and overwhelmed than I normally do - yet I have more on my plate than I felt I did earlier this year. I figured this sort of miracle doesn't happen every day, so I ought to blog about it - cause everyone knows once it has been blogged about, it's out there for-ev-er. And because next week I'll probably go back to feeling like I'm caught in a mind tornado again, and when that happens I'll need a look back at the good times in my life.


Randomly switching topics, I am taking a creative writing class at school to help expand my horizons on the vast Word Frontier. It has made me re-realize how much I really enjoy writing when it's not for something boring, like a case law analysis or an econ review. I have even written poems for no reason except that the mood just strikes. Weird, I know.

And to switch topics yet again:

"You can't build a reputation on what you are going to do." Henry Ford

This quote made me realize that I say I'm going to do a lot of things. Not that I'm being hypocritical - it's just that a lot of the things I'd like to do are coming as my education progresses or as I develop better habits in life. This quote made me remember something one of my professors told us the other day - he said our efforts and work ethic now will be projected on how we are in the future.

So maybe I can't do everything I have planned today, but if there's something I'm "going to do" later, I better be working my hardest now to get there.

babies


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So, the other day I had to pay a bill at the boy's doctor's office. On the way out I ended up in the elevator with a mom and her new baby. Here was my thought process:


Oh, that little baby is SO tiny. I remember how my boys used to be tiny like that at one point. It's kind of cute. Oh...I'm so glad I don't have a baby. Ew. They cry all night and are so much work. It's nice that Mason and Milo are older and they can do so much by themselves.

Yep. I'm a baby-hater.

Ok, so I'm not really a hater. I think they are really small and sweet, and I definitely loved my own babies. And I haven't always thought this way. There was a day, way back before my own personal encounter, that I had no ill will towards them. I'd like to say that I just learned my lesson from my Mason and Milo - but I actually had at one point planned on having more.

But now here I am. I see pregnant women and all I can think is how happy I am that I'm not pregnant. I see babies and it makes me cringe thinking of all the time they need to be held, and the hours they wake up in the night. I even had a moment while at a playground the other day with Milo. This little boy was climbing on the bench and all I could think was, "Gross, he smells like pee. I'm so glad my kids don't wear diapers." And I never can understand people when they say they are "baby hungry."

I so just love my boys and their ages and that they are much lower maintenance. This morning while I was in the shower Mason made himself a sunny side up egg. I've never let him cook anything on the stove before because I've always been worried he'd burn himself, and honestly I don't really think he should still. But the fact that he did it, and actually cooked himself an edible breakfast - it was awesome.

So, Happy Mother's Day to me! Instead of babies I have great boys who give me hugs, tell me happy mother's day multiple times, compliment me on my outfits, and hide presents in their rooms to surprise me with today.

my day off


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So, today I had a day off. My only true day off, since I had a law paper from winter semester due last night and I start spring semester tomorrow.

My day off went like this: running at the gym, dealing with sprinkler stuff (turning the water on while my nice neighbor fixed them), taking Milo to school, buying weed killer and plants, home for Mason, buying Mason a new helmet and myself a new dog crap scooper (my favorite purchase of course), picking up Milo, going to the mall to pick up Milo's glasses, spraying weeds, BBQ hotdogs with the boys, fertilizing the yard, planting flowers, running the sprinkers, dishes and laundry.

Funny thing is that at the end of the day I still felt so relaxed that I had absolutely no homework to think about. Oh Monday April 26, how I loved you. Next up: Tuesday. Tuesday on campus from 8:30am-8:00pm. It's going to be fun.

Oh, and here is the new Milo:

So far he's lovin' them. Silly little kid.

happy shmappy


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So today I officially got one year closer to the dreaded three zero. I also dealt with rain and hail (when there should be sunshine and birds singing - don't they know it's my birthday?), the stress of finals starting, AND to top it all off...my car battery died and my car wouldn't start when I left campus. Plus did I mention I've been stressed with school? I feel emotionally drained, and I didn't even want to celebrate my birthday yesterday.

Then today I opened my google reader to find a new post by my pal, Amanda. I noticed the post was titled This is Emily, but I figured it was probably something about her cousin Emily. It wasn't. It is an entire post all about me! I was shocked, somewhat embarrassed, and super flattered that I got a post all about me for my birthday. And I laughed at all the pictures she used.

To add to that, my mom brought me desserts from Dipidee (I may have eaten one of the cupcakes before I took the picture) and my mother-in-law and sister-in-law got me my most favorite sugar cookies in the whole wide world (from Smart Cookie).

And, best of all, Mason gave me a present he put together and wrapped all on his own. No offense to the other gifts and thoughtful wishes today, but this was by far my most favorite one.

He said he picked the pink box of nerds because he figured I'd like that color better than the blue box, and the soccer ball bead is to remind me of him since he plays soccer. He had everything wrapped up in a sheet of his $50 note paper.

So, maybe I'm getting older (and not really feeling any wiser), and maybe I'm still super crazy-brained about life right now - but it turns out, I am easily coddled by sugary treats and random presents from 7 year olds.

Happy birthday!

i


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I saw this on someone else's blog. I thought it was kinda cool. And besides, with Valentine's Day coming up - what better way to celebrate than think about myself over and over?

I am... short
I know... my house is messy
I want... to move
I wish... i already had the job i want
I had... a long day
I hate... mean people
I miss... my normal life
I fear... that i won't get a good internship, leading to a not good job
I feel... tired
I hear... indian jones on the tv downstairs
I smell... my nose
I crave... expensive restaurant meals
I search... for things online
I wonder... what my grades will be like when i graduate
I regret... mistakes
I love... being happy
I care... that my boys are taken care of
I always... want to be perfect
I am not... perfect
I believe... that i am blessed, although sometimes i don't know why
I could... be a blond
I dance... and never want to stop
I sing... loud to songs i know
I don't always... know the answers
I write... with a blue or black pen
I win... and i rub it in
I lose... my mind quite often
I never... want to be without my iphone
I never listen... to crappy music
I can usually be found... at school
I am scared of.... spiders
I need... sleep or i get grouchy
I am happy about... being in my advertising program

whatever happened to partying like it's 1999?


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So I saw my friend's blog, who did a post she stole from her friend's blog, and I decided to steal it for my blog. It's my decade, in a nutshell.

2000

Graduated from high school, started college two weeks later, had my first roommate - who turned out to be a pathological liar, got my first job (woohoo Mervyn’s) and bought my very own cell phone (that nokia you could switch the faceplates on – don’t act like you don’t remember it).

Then I had my favorite roommate, Amanda (yes, she is who I stole this post idea from) who was not a liar and was clean like me. We lived in Hinckley Hall, I tried to be crazy and carefree, I got put on academic probation and I rode on the back of motorcycles with no helmet – because everyone knows at 18 nothing bad can happen to you.

I learned I couldn’t successfully work more than 20 hours a week while going to school and having friends.

2001

I decided I was too cool for the dorms, and moved into apartment #107 at King Henry, all by myself again. I found a wonderful boy to date, we fell in love, got in a fight, broke up, had our issues, worked them out, got back together and decided to get married. I got a job as a telemarketer, and then at a jewelry store called Argento – probably still my favorite job to this date. I tried classes from childhood development to computer science to interior design, trying to figure out what I wanted to be when I grew up.

I learned mistakes have consequences.

2002

I got married, moved to Salt Lake, quit going to school, had a baby (4 weeks earlier than expected). I watched Erik go to school and work. We became the apartment managers.

I learned what it’s like to not sleep through the night, and that marriage isn’t perfect, but it sure is fun.

2003

I felt like Erik was too busy and I wasn’t busy enough so I got a part-time job back at Argento, which turned into a full time job. We were sealed in the temple, Mason turned one, we moved back to Orem. I worked while Erik finished school. I had the craziest visiting teaching companion ever.

I learned how much Mason loved his dad and that a one year old can fall down half a flight of concrete stairs and come away without a single scratch.

2004

I found out I was pregnant, attended Erik’s graduation, took my first trip to Hawaii and raised the white flag (I quit my job). We bought a condo in Pleasant Grove, Milo was born, I re-remembered what it was like to not sleep through the night, found out what it’s like to have two kids (wow) and helped start Rudy’s PriceLine Motors.

I learned my husband has the best memory in the whole wide world and faux painting techniques are not where my talent lies.

2005

I started taking trips with Erik to pick up cars and drive them back to sell. We decided to take the step to home ownership, put our condo on the market and sold it to the first couple who walked through. We moved out two weeks before Christmas into my parent’s basement while trying to find a house. I worked for the holidays at Banana Republic (awful commute from my parents, but the best discounts ever). Erik and I stayed in the basement while the kids stayed upstairs. Milo cried at least once every single night –

I learned how to run up two flights of stairs really fast.

2006

We found a house in American Fork and moved in two months later. I got a job at Home Depot because I: a) don’t like staying home and not working, b) they offered insurance to their part-time employees. I watched Erik get sick off and on from March to December. We found the best dog in the history of all dogs and we bought him and changed his name to Marmaduke (it was Rage – totally not fitting).

I learned how to do yard work.

2007

I found out my husband had Leukemia. I didn’t even know what Leukemia was, but it made me cry. I watched Erik go through three rounds of chemo, full body radiation and a bone marrow transplant – then remission. Mason and Milo became the most non-shy children ever. We moved into a hotel downtown, then a condo, then back home to American Fork. I quit my job at Home Depot when Erik went to the hospital; I started a job at Mountain America after we got back home.

I learned how valuable family and friends are to us, how important we were to each other and how much I need prayer.

2008

Erik started getting back into the dealership, I quit my job and we took a trip to New York to pick up a 4Runner – my best birthday ever. By May Erik’s medical news started sounding less happy. In June I heard Erik’s prognosis go from years to months – but in reality he only had days. I watched my husband go from seemingly perfectly healthy to completely helpless in less than a week. Then I made arrangements for and attended his funeral. I was lost and confused and sad all the time.

I decided to try running away for a couple weeks, and hopped a plane to England. While there I attended a singles ward – where I heard someone quote President Hinckley saying something about how we need to seek all the education we can get. I decided then and there that I needed to go back to school – and I needed to go back real deal. I came home and applied. And I dyed my hair black.

I learned the value of a good friend.

2009

I started school. I applied for Graphic Design – fail. I applied for Advertising – pass. I took trips to LA and New York and even a road trip with just Mason and Milo all the way to San Diego – and I found out that leaving town makes me happy and is my form of antidepressant. I got angry, sad and confused – but found happiness and peace and faith.

I learned that school plus kids plus life really stresses me out, I am an emotional merry-go-round, I like my hair long, I despise laundry, my house survives with crumbs on the floor, and that sometimes it’s ok to ask for help (so I’m told).

Maybe in 2010 I will learn how to successfully juggle school and children and a clean house. Maybe I’ll also find out where I fit in society as an undergrad studying, single, 27 year old mother of two. Or maybe I’ll learn what it’s like to be a normal girl and how to handle normal boys (big ones, not my children). Probably none of the above – but one can always hope!

“Always think of what you have to do as easy and it will become so.” – Emile Coue

journal time


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You know what. Sometimes I hate my life. This is one of those times. Probably just having a down moment, most likely just tired of school and everything else in my life. Either way, the thought is there. Most people think this at some point or other right? "Life sucks today."

You know what I think after I decide to hate my life momentarily? Why is this my life? Really? I'm supposed to be able to figure this out? What am I supposed to learn from this?

And I hope someday I will figure it out. Someday I'll know exactly what it is I'm supposed to be learning.

I once read something in a book that said to question God was to give the idea that you thought He was wrong. And God is never wrong. I think that is something that has helped me. But, although I know He's never wrong, so I don't question that what He did was part of a bigger plan, I just wonder how long it will take before I understand too.

And that is when I go back to: I hate my life right now. It's confusing and tiring and stressful and busy. And when I realize how much of my day is given to driving to Provo and back it makes me annoyed.

But you know what - it is also great.

I have two very wonderful boys. Yes, they are boys and they are crazy and they fight and they make messes and they complain. But they tell me they love me and they are mostly obedient and they do well in school and they have no trouble making friends and they are sweet.

And I live in one of the most wonderful neighborhoods ever, even if it is far away from school. And that fact that I have been fortunate enough to stay in my house and not have to work while I attend school and I have family that helps babysit for me and I know deep down things will be ok and that I haven't been forgotten and that even though I don't know why, there is a why and someday I will know what it is. And someday I will learn how to throw a football so I can teach my boys. And I will also learn how to tie a tie.

Well, there is now a whole lot of rambling going on. I will stop now.


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Have you ever made a choice, then immediatly regretted it? And even though you could go back on your decision you didn't because you know you had to make it.

Well I did. It sucks.

It's like someone forced me into a decision I didn't want - but that someone is myself.

Confused? Oh yeah, I'm in that boat too.

One day I will look back and be proud of my decisions. I will be happy that I listened to my inner self. Seems like I think about "one day" a lot lately.

Alright, therapy session over, back to life (and by life, I mean math homework).

I have a 7-year old?!


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Yep, Mason turned seven today. Wow. It's not even so much seven that makes me crazy, it's more the fact that next year he'll be eight. That always seemed like such a big kid age to me. Then I think that by the time I'm done with school he might be double digits. A double digit child? Ahhh!

Today was Mason's day. He had a bowling party with friends and cousins, played with his new toys, ate dinner at the restaurant of his choice (Tepanyaki) and offered free face painting to the neighborhood.

So now it's time for my Mason tribute.

Mason came into this world, exactly one month before his due date, after almost a week of contractions and two false delivery room visits (the second time they actually told me I was going to have him, then sent me home the next day. It was fun.) A few days after being born he was checked into Primary Children's Hospital for a few days to be treated for jaundice. Then he had the most sensitive skin, ever. Then at about age two he started having asthma, something he now does nebulizer treatments for every day and night - more if he has flare ups.

But this kid has never slowed down. He's always been outgoing, full of energy and unafraid of any stunt - things I had a very hard time understanding in the begining but have since learned to accept as Mason being Mason. He loves to do stunts on his bike, trade pokemon cards, buy hotwheels, build legos...and countless other boy things that can keep up with his energy level.

There was no question Mason was sent first for a reason. He's responsible, loving and helpful -getting especially excited when he can remember things that I forget (he has an incredible memory & mine is getting worse by the day). You can't get anything past him, he understands things so well - this is both good and bad for adults. He's always asked lots and lots of questions - and lately he seems to be able to answer many of them on his own, funny kid.

And tonight he talked me into letting him sleep in my room, his arguement: it's his birthday. Clever kid.

Happy 7th Birthday Mason! (even if that does me I keep getting older too)

and here we are


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one year.

So weird to think about I don't even really know what to say.

Maybe it's because it happened to fall on one of the busiest days of my whole school life. Or because this busy day happened to come right after a very late night which in turn made me very tired. Maybe because today feels pretty much like it has every other day for the last year. Or because my super busy day hasn't really ended because I have two final papers to write. Or because I'm so tired but busy that I feel like I can't even think straight on any given day.

I miss you every day Erik. Sometimes I think I should have acted a little more needy so that you had to stay around to help me. The boys still talk about how you used to throw them on the bed. And that one time you tried to throw me and I fell off (they still think it's so funny). And Milo loves to bring up how he has green eyes just like you. And Mason is trying his hardest to fill your shoes (and I see you in him almost every day). Always opening my door, unbuckling my seatbelt, reminding me to lock the car. And don't worry, they both tell me I look pretty and that they love me all the time.


Alright, for someone who didn't have anything to say, I sure can say a lot. I'll stop now. Because otherwise I could go on for quite some time, and no one really wants that.

And just so you know, I can only do this because I don't do anything alone. Thank you for your help. Everyone.

ps. A few people have been wondering, so - after a few problems and a lot of waiting, the headstone is finally here. Not exactly what I had envisioned, but that's what I get for being a perfectionist.


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So here's the deal, like it or not.

I have a really hard time blogging anything not happy. Not that my posts are always happy - but sometimes I just want to post about how my life sucks. Then I worry that I'm going to have to hear comments about how sorry people are that I think my life sucks. I don't like comments. I know that my life is maybe not as I wish it would be, but I also know there's a lot of positive things about my life. I mostly try to focus on the positive, but sometimes I have days that just make it hard. So you know what I do? I read one of my favorite blogs, Have Joy (yes Nikki it's true) and I feel better. Not because it makes me see the positive (which it can) but because I realize that I'm not the only one who has the feelings I do. Honestly I want to copy and paste her blogs and post them as mine all the time. I read them and wish I could post about crappy days in my life and not worry about what anyone's going to say to me.

But I have a hard time doing it. So I try to skip over everything sad and stressful and upsetting and just post funny and random and crazy instead. And you know what - tonight I read Have Joy and thought, I want to be like Nikki when I grow up. I want to post what I'm thinking as I'm thinking it. I want to post when it's funny and sad and random and stressful. So...

[insert stressed out upsetting thoughts here]

I'm sorry. I have them. I even started typing them. Then I deleted them. Baby steps people. Hey, at least now you know you can semi know what I'm sometimes thinking by reading someone else's blog. That's a plus right?