me and my boys

At around 8:45pm on Thursday Mason asked if I had gotten him a cake for his birthday the next day. Since my answer was no (possibly followed by a swear word in my head) we made our way to Wal-Mart where he picked out a pre-made golf cake. Nothing to do with his party theme, but that's what he wanted. Memory from his dad, randomness from his mom.

Mason was baptized on his birthday with two of his cousins. I decided it was a good day to buy him his first "real" tie. He picked out a pink, gray and black tie. Pimpin' style already.

One morning he told me he's trying to be really nice to Milo since he's baptized now. The next day he somehow convinced Milo to help him clean his room. Now that's a salesman.

His big birthday wish was for a skateboard rail. Watch out Shawn White.

He's got the goofiest half-grown-in front teeth smile.

Everything I tell him to do has to be followed by a "Why?" - although deep down I am proud of his logical side, at surface level I'm not too excited for the teenage years.

He asked multiple times for an airsoft gun for his birthday, begged for a sling shot at the arts festival, and came home with a pocket knife from scout camp. Don't worry, I'm fully prepared for future trips to the ER.

His favorite songs right now are Strawberry Fields (Beatles) and Someone Great (LCD Soundsystem); and last year he picked out a song that's "our song."

So there you go - Mase face, Daxman, Mase-o...Happy Eighth Birthday - and thanks for reminding me I'm getting old.

This night, two years ago, I literally watched someone go from life to death. I’ve thought about this many times. Up until that night I had known people who died, but I had never actually seen it happen. Up until that night I had never known what it’d be like to want to be right next to someone and never leave, even though I knew in my mind they already had.

But here’s the thing about two years: today is really not much different than any other day since that night. Every day at some point I still remember; and every day, in varying degrees, I wish my life were more normal.

Sometimes I drive places without my seatbelt on. I never used to do that, even short distances. I grew up with such a strong habit of putting my seatbelt on I’d find myself doing it to cross a parking lot. Erik didn’t always wear his seatbelt. One time he told me that if he got hit driving through our neighborhood it’d be such slow impact seatbelts wouldn’t really matter. I don’t wear my seatbelt just to remember Erik.

I sleep with all my decorative pillows lined up on the other half of the bed. It seems logical considering my bed is probably cleaner than my floor on any given day, but I started doing it because it made that side of the bed seem less empty.

In my closet hangs one motorcycle jacket, three suits and two button up shirts because the last time I tried to box everything up I ended up taking that stuff back out; and now I’m worried to try again.

But you know what? I’m still here. I have had my determination and faith tested many times – and so far I’ve passed. And I am thankful every day for how much I’m blessed, even though I probably don’t deserve it all.

And I love these boys:

A few days ago Mason told me he really likes the song "Strawberry Fields." This may sound inconsequential, but it made me beam with delight. This isn't the first time Mason has shared my taste in music; most of his iPod comes from songs I have on mine. But this time he picked a Beatles song. In my head I was thinking, "Yes! My kid is awesome. He is going to grow up having great taste in music, which obviously will lead to good choices elsewhere (one of which will be a super awesome, no-drama, wife)."

Today was Mason's first experience with scouts. As I drove home from school, with barely enough time to make it to his first pack meeting, I thought about how I won't even be home to take him to scouts for most days of the month because of my schedule. Then I thought about how maybe it wasn't a big deal for him to miss some anyway, it's just scouts - it's not like everyone does it.

Then I reverted to that one big thought I've always had, even before having children: How will my kids turn out the way I want them to? Not as in I want them to have certain jobs or anything - but I want them to want to work hard, to be kind to others. I don't want them to be drug addicts or alcoholics or something along those lines. Maybe with Mason coming up on the big EIGHT in a few weeks, I've just been re-thinking things.

So I decided that I have no clear solution. And I sort of feel like this:

But I also decided that just like I'm proud my appreciation for good music can rub off, I need to make sure I'm doing other good things that my boys can pick up on and mimic. And just like I want to be proactive in my work ethic, I need to apply the same thing at home.

So yes, I'll be making sure Mason is attending scouts (while I find him some more good music).

Randomly switching topics, I am taking a creative writing class at school to help expand my horizons on the vast Word Frontier. It has made me re-realize how much I really enjoy writing when it's not for something boring, like a case law analysis or an econ review. I have even written poems for no reason except that the mood just strikes. Weird, I know.

And to switch topics yet again:

"You can't build a reputation on what you are going to do." Henry Ford

This quote made me realize that I say I'm going to do a lot of things. Not that I'm being hypocritical - it's just that a lot of the things I'd like to do are coming as my education progresses or as I develop better habits in life. This quote made me remember something one of my professors told us the other day - he said our efforts and work ethic now will be projected on how we are in the future.

So maybe I can't do everything I have planned today, but if there's something I'm "going to do" later, I better be working my hardest now to get there.

I have a pair of rain boots. I like to refer to them as my wellers because I like the word wellers better, and I think my boots are not just any pair of rain boots. A couple years ago I saw these boots on a girl at a bowling alley. I never asked her about them, but I couldn't get them off my mind - so I searched the internet until I found the brand and then somewhere that sold them. These are my boots:

Today, while about to wash my hands in the sink at school I looked down and saw this:

Yep, my super awesome keep the rain out shoes are now completely worthless. I don't even know when or how this happened, but I'm very upset. So, in an effort to find happiness on this bleak shoe day, I decided to look around online with some hope that I could find a new pair to replace them. What I found, although disheartening to my purchasing wants, has managed to cheer me up slightly....

I wasn't quite sure how to react to these, but I am curious who would ever wear them.

Oh, that little baby is SO tiny. I remember how my boys used to be tiny like that at one point. It's kind of cute. Oh...I'm so glad I don't have a baby. Ew. They cry all night and are so much work. It's nice that Mason and Milo are older and they can do so much by themselves.

Yep. I'm a baby-hater.

Ok, so I'm not really a hater. I think they are really small and sweet, and I definitely loved my own babies. And I haven't always thought this way. There was a day, way back before my own personal encounter, that I had no ill will towards them. I'd like to say that I just learned my lesson from my Mason and Milo - but I actually had at one point planned on having more.

But now here I am. I see pregnant women and all I can think is how happy I am that I'm not pregnant. I see babies and it makes me cringe thinking of all the time they need to be held, and the hours they wake up in the night. I even had a moment while at a playground the other day with Milo. This little boy was climbing on the bench and all I could think was, "Gross, he smells like pee. I'm so glad my kids don't wear diapers." And I never can understand people when they say they are "baby hungry."

I so just love my boys and their ages and that they are much lower maintenance. This morning while I was in the shower Mason made himself a sunny side up egg. I've never let him cook anything on the stove before because I've always been worried he'd burn himself, and honestly I don't really think he should still. But the fact that he did it, and actually cooked himself an edible breakfast - it was awesome.

So, Happy Mother's Day to me! Instead of babies I have great boys who give me hugs, tell me happy mother's day multiple times, compliment me on my outfits, and hide presents in their rooms to surprise me with today.

And today I realized that I never actually blogged about the most exciting news in my life lately: I AM OFFICIALLY GOING TO BE A COPYWRITER! I stressed, I didn't sleep, I got upset, wanted to give up, stressed some more, and readied myself for a let down.

Then the day came; the list was going to be posted. By 1:00 I had to leave campus to be home in time for Mason, and there was no list up yet. I was going crazy. I mean CRAZY! So I go home, all the while trying to decide what to do when the list goes up. Then at around 4:00 I start getting texts telling me it's posted. Why oh why couldn't I be there to look at it?! Why do I live so far away from campus?! What am I to do?!!!

Then the decision was made for me (oh how I love when that happens) - someone decided to just call and tell me. Of course, not without having a little fun with the fact that I was boiling over with anxiety. I was in! I screamed. Honestly screamed, multiple times. The person on the other end of the phone may or may not have laughed at me.

Anyway, now it means I'll be taking classes and working on projects more tailored to me as a copywriter and creative-brained individual.

AND...I posted parts of my portfolio on my other blog, if you'd like some visual.